Like-minded people? There's no such thing.

I've been exploring a new social networking site and getting to know new people. It's great fun. One day I stumbled upon a thread where, in the context of this SN site still being invitation-only, someone wondered if maybe it would be nicer if it stayed that way, so that he could keep interacting with like-minded people.

Like-minded people? Really? Is there such a thing?

It must be weeks since I saw that comment, but it has stayed on my mind. It has haunted me as I've been getting to know more people, people who are fun and interesting and inspiring and yes, we have some things in common but in other areas we are miles apart, and that's cool - that's part of the joy of human interaction, getting to hear different points of view, getting insights into how other people see things, getting to know someone who is - gasp! - of a different culture, different faith group, different political persuasion, different mentality... getting to know people with different preferences, people whose favourite colour is green when I really like pink, people who love eating stuff that I can't stand, people who are into different hobbies, different genres of literature, different tv programmes... Like-minded? yes, no, maybe... you normally start from something you have in common, yes, but then as you get to know a person you discover other aspects, you discover the differences, and if you're both grown-up about it, you can build friendships with people without having to pretend you agree about everything.

The thing is, there is no chance that I will ever find another human being on this earth who will agree with me about everything. I can find people who are like-minded in one sense or other, for example when I go to church I meet with people who share my faith so we are like-minded in one aspect, but that doesn't mean we can't find stuff that we see differently. People join all sorts of groups where they meet with people who share their political view or their love for a hobby or whatever, and if they keep to that subject they might be able to remain under the illusion that they are in the company of like-minded people, but once you scratch the surface you will find that there is no such thing as two thinking people who are of the same mind about everything. And whilst the like-mindedness may be the starting point, whilst it might be what draws you to start talking to someone, it's actually the differences that make it interesting to carry on. If all the other person ever said was "oh yes, me too" it would get boring.

There is sometimes a comfort in talking to people who you know agree with you about something in particular, when you're weary from debates it's quite nice to be able to retreat into a little huddle with a few friends and sigh together about those out there who "don't get it"... but living life like that all the time would be so vanilla... and anyway, it's impossible unless you switch your brain off and find others who have done the same.

"the grouches pull you down"

had one of those inspiring powerpoint thingummies on the email - you know the ones - pretty pictures and bits of text that sounds like sage advice, and some of it is but some of it isn't, and if you're not careful you just absorb it all amongst the pretty scenery.

amongst the advice about how to keep young, some of which was lovely, there was this bit:

Keep only cheerful friends - the grouches pull you down.

and I'm wondering - if everyone were to follow this advice, who would be left to show love to the grouches? who would be there to help lift their spirits? if everyone followed this advice, I would have remained a grouch forever.

so no, don't keep only cheerful friends - don't be so selfish. take some of the joy you have and go share it with the nearest grouch. they need it.

great expectations

or: just because you got hurt, it doesn't mean they're nasty

sometimes people hurt other people not because of any nasty intentions but simply because of the two parties having different expectations of whatever-it-is that they're getting into.

I remember years ago when I had a mad crush on a very charming Irish guy and I came across a book that was a tongue-in-cheek attempt to tell you all you ever needed to know about Irish men. The one and only thing I remember from that book now was this: when an Irish guy says to a woman "I'll call you" - she hears "I'll call you tomorrow" whilst what he means is "I'll call you sometime between now and the day I die"...

I also remember another crush, this time over a colleague at work (yes, I know, bad idea, but I was young and foolish in my mid 30s) - a phone call from him asking if I'd like to come for lunch at some trendy new place round the corner certainly got my expectations up!!! but he hadn't said "just you and me", so I couldn't blame him when I was upset to find there was a whole bunch of us round the table. I was hurt, but he hadn't set out to hurt my feelings. (at least I don't think he had. of course I did also meet some guys along the way who were actually nasty, but I don't think this one was.)

but this isn't just about romance - the expectations thing happens in all sorts of situations. I think there's tons of scope for it to happen on social networking sites - Jane invites Diane to be her "friend" on an SN site, Jane being the kind of person who collects online contacts with no particular intention to build relationships, and Diane being a very needy person who has suffered lots of rejection and looks at every such invitation as a promise of undying friendship.

it's tricky, because so much of this stuff goes unsaid. people don't often state clearly what their expectations are. often we just assume that everyone else sees things the same way we do. sometimes we're embarrassed to confess to our weakness, so we don't state our needs - what if I say I'm looking for really deep friendship and it turns out the other person wasn't, I might feel I'd made an idiot of myself.

no contracts, no signed agreements, no listing of the ground rules - therefore plenty of scope for misunderstandings and for disappointment. we let other people down sometimes without being aware of it at all - like that guy at work who invited me to lunch, not knowing what I was hoping for...

and so, when we get hurt because someone didn't live up to the hopes we had, the thing is to look at the situation realistically and ask ourselves: did X actually promise us this rose garden that we were hoping for, or is it just what we allowed ourselves to believe?

it's hard to do that - to separate out our hurt from the people who hurt us. but if someone steps on my toe when they don't even know my toe is there, I can't really blame them.

so one goes somewhere quiet to weep, and forgives them for they knew not what they were doing.