the Bible tells me not to judge others, and of course the reason God bothers to mention this is because he knows we tend to do it... we look at another person and say: look at her, she's so obnoxious; look at him, he's such a lazy so-and-so. etc etc. we see the externals and make judgements. but all we're seeing is the externals, we're seeing tiny bits of the picture, and most of the time - unless we've got to know someone very very well - we don't know the half of it.
scratch the surface with any fellow human being and you'll find that they are carrying heavy burdens, and often those external behaviour patterns that you find so annoying and unreasonable are a result of the pain which they don't talk about most of the time.
people don't go around with t-shirts saying: my job is boring/my daughter hates me/my back hurts all the time/my mum used to lock me in the broom cupboard for hours for no reason/my wife is having an affair/my overdraft has reached its limits/the bank wants to repossess my home/my husband gets drunk and beats me/my next-door neighbour keeps throwing stones at my cat/my son is taking drugs/my parents don't approve of my boyfriend/my teachers keep picking on me/my period is late and I'm worried/my shoes are pinching and I can't afford new ones/etc etc - people do not, most of the time, broadcast to all and sundry everything that is making them feel that life is tough.
but the tension has to come out somehow, so we kick the cat/yell at the kids/spouse/colleagues/friends/someone who has dared block our way on the road... and people look and shake their heads and say: why does she have to be so obnoxious...
many years ago, someone saw me being obnoxious and unpleasant and had the wisdom to see through it, he chose to reach out to me in friendship despite my very sharp corners. I was working in a tax advisers' and accountants' office in London, and for most people in the office I was - excuse the language - that bitch that you don't go and talk to unless you absolutely have to. I was rude, I was unhelpful, my immediate answer to any request was "no" - not my job, go find someone else to do it, that sort of thing. The f word was not unknown in my vocabulary. most people shook their heads, rolled their eyes, and steered well clear of me.
but david chose to befriend me. he was one of the partners in the firm, and he was the one who had interviewed me for the job there. the day he came up to me with a piece of paper and said, "would you like to type this for me?" and got the reply, "no", he could have given up on me and sacked me... (I wasn't being intentionally rude, I was just replying literally to what I heard as a yes/no question... I was new in England, and in Israel we don't have this form of asking politely in a way that sounds as though you're asking a question... we don't do niceties, an Israeli boss would simply bung the sheet of paper on your desk and say "type this".) but david didn't give up on me, he chose to be my friend and he was a real and very reliable friend throughout the eleven years I worked there. (and has remained a friend to this day)
at the time, I didn't know why I was being so obnoxious. I didn't see myself as making choices, all I could see was that I was right...
it was some time after I came out of the extremely unhealthy relationship I'd been in, that another friend made the connection and pointed out to me that I had been in such a difficult situation at home, that no wonder I was tense and taking my tension out on people at work. at home I was scared, walking on tiptoe, but at work I could exercise some control over things. once I'd come out of that relationship, and started to take ownership of my life back, I could afford to start being nice to people... (at least some of the time)
so what am I trying to say here? just this - next time you roll your eyes at someone's behaviour, remember: you don't know what burdens they are carrying. and just as I did back then in 1990, they could probably benefit from someone reaching out to them in friendship.
and I'm reminding myself of this too.
scratch the surface with any fellow human being and you'll find that they are carrying heavy burdens, and often those external behaviour patterns that you find so annoying and unreasonable are a result of the pain which they don't talk about most of the time.
people don't go around with t-shirts saying: my job is boring/my daughter hates me/my back hurts all the time/my mum used to lock me in the broom cupboard for hours for no reason/my wife is having an affair/my overdraft has reached its limits/the bank wants to repossess my home/my husband gets drunk and beats me/my next-door neighbour keeps throwing stones at my cat/my son is taking drugs/my parents don't approve of my boyfriend/my teachers keep picking on me/my period is late and I'm worried/my shoes are pinching and I can't afford new ones/etc etc - people do not, most of the time, broadcast to all and sundry everything that is making them feel that life is tough.
but the tension has to come out somehow, so we kick the cat/yell at the kids/spouse/colleagues/friends/someone who has dared block our way on the road... and people look and shake their heads and say: why does she have to be so obnoxious...
many years ago, someone saw me being obnoxious and unpleasant and had the wisdom to see through it, he chose to reach out to me in friendship despite my very sharp corners. I was working in a tax advisers' and accountants' office in London, and for most people in the office I was - excuse the language - that bitch that you don't go and talk to unless you absolutely have to. I was rude, I was unhelpful, my immediate answer to any request was "no" - not my job, go find someone else to do it, that sort of thing. The f word was not unknown in my vocabulary. most people shook their heads, rolled their eyes, and steered well clear of me.
but david chose to befriend me. he was one of the partners in the firm, and he was the one who had interviewed me for the job there. the day he came up to me with a piece of paper and said, "would you like to type this for me?" and got the reply, "no", he could have given up on me and sacked me... (I wasn't being intentionally rude, I was just replying literally to what I heard as a yes/no question... I was new in England, and in Israel we don't have this form of asking politely in a way that sounds as though you're asking a question... we don't do niceties, an Israeli boss would simply bung the sheet of paper on your desk and say "type this".) but david didn't give up on me, he chose to be my friend and he was a real and very reliable friend throughout the eleven years I worked there. (and has remained a friend to this day)
at the time, I didn't know why I was being so obnoxious. I didn't see myself as making choices, all I could see was that I was right...
it was some time after I came out of the extremely unhealthy relationship I'd been in, that another friend made the connection and pointed out to me that I had been in such a difficult situation at home, that no wonder I was tense and taking my tension out on people at work. at home I was scared, walking on tiptoe, but at work I could exercise some control over things. once I'd come out of that relationship, and started to take ownership of my life back, I could afford to start being nice to people... (at least some of the time)
so what am I trying to say here? just this - next time you roll your eyes at someone's behaviour, remember: you don't know what burdens they are carrying. and just as I did back then in 1990, they could probably benefit from someone reaching out to them in friendship.
and I'm reminding myself of this too.
No comments:
Post a Comment