"Until Jesus pays my salary..."

Got into an interesting discussion on my friend Gerry's Facebook page (yes, amazing, I know... but it does sometimes happen) on the subject of Religious Education at schools here in the UK, and one of his friends said:

My son... says that his RE teacher was told at parents eve that she should be converting the children to christianity (as they attend a C of E School) and her reply was 'until Jesus pays my salary I shall stick to the curriculum'

I didn't respond to this comment there, as I was already raising a whole load of controversy on another issue, but my mind keeps turning back to this - I see so many layers there, I have to try and unpick it.

My initial reaction was to the "until Jesus pays my salary" phrase - it makes me question to what extent exactly this woman regards Jesus as her Lord. It seems to imply: Jesus isn't my boss, the school pays my salary so I'll do what they tell me.

Of course, on the other hand, there are people who I think sometimes take it to the other extreme, and forget that their boss is actually paying their salary and has a say about what they do in their working hours.

I think there's a fine line there somewhere...

If someone pays you to do a certain job, yes, it is up to them (within reason and within the limits of what is legal) to say how they want it done. And if these terms are made explicit at the job application stage, you have the choice to take it or leave it - if something there goes against your conscience then you have the choice to say no, I can't do it.

But at the same time, you can't say 'Jesus is my Lord' but then leave him out of your work life. And if you believe that Jesus has commanded us to go and make disciples - can you really switch that off at work?

It is a tricky minefield in some work situations. I think that's why I didn't like that comment - because it made it sound like it's really clear cut, when I don't think it is. I think any Christian in paid employment has to work out how to balance their loyalties. I think that if your boss says, for example, that they forbid you from mentioning Jesus in your work time, then you have to adhere to that. If you're accepting their pay, you're agreeing to have them as your boss. But if your boss tells you to do something that is clearly immoral - I think at that point you have to say sorry, I can't do that because ultimately I am answerable to God first.

The question of evangelism is more tricky, there's a general command but obviously we don't do it all the time with each and every person we meet, so there may be specific situations where we say: in this situation I don't do this. (of course there's nothing to stop you praying for people in your own time.) There's an issue of how you use your boss's time - if he's paying for you to do a certain job between, say, 9-5 mondays to fridays, using that time to do something else would be stealing, which would not be honouring to God.

so, back to that RE teacher - if her contract says she is hired to teach children about the various religions and encouraging the children to think for themselves, not ramming a particular faith down their throats (which as far as I understand is the general idea of RE lessons in schools here) then I guess it would be inappropriate for her to stand in front of the class and preach the Gospel and issue an invitation to come forward and accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour... (btw, another layer in this is that I bristle at the phrase 'converting the children to Christianity' because actually no human being converts another, all we can do is tell people about it and offer them the opportunity to become Christians if they choose to.)

so I guess I'm agreeing with her in disagreeing with the suggestion that she 'should be converting the children to Christianity' but I bristle at the way she phrased that disagreement, because it sounds to me like not a very respectful attitude towards Jesus.

and also because, ultimately, all good things come from him and the fact that she has a job and a salary is, ultimately, down to him. and because there are times when God calls people to risk their livelihood for him, trusting that he will keep providing somehow. and I'm here to testify to his faithfulness in such situations - as one who was told, back in 2001, to quit her job, and has not gone hungry since.

this reminds me of a conversation I had back in 1999 with the guy who was my vicar at the time, when I believed God was calling me to what is commonly referred to as 'full-time ministry' and my vicar said: and in what way are you not working for him full-time now?

achievements come in different shapes and sizes

more thoughts from that earlier conversation about how I think I haven't got the single-mindedness necessary for writing a novel.

why is it that I tend to think as though writing a novel would be such an important achievement? why do I belittle the writing that I do, saying it's "just poems and short stories", as though these don't count for anything?

where do I get the idea that some achievements are more important than others - or is it just that deep down I still want human recognition, still want people to say: look at her, she did XYZ, wow!

I have lots of unfinished novels, plus an unfinished philosophy degree, two unfinished jumpers, at least one unfinished piece of cross-stitch embroidery, even a few unfinished blogs in draft form - though blogs I normally do finish, because I normally just write them in one sitting, not stopping till I press publish. it's the same with poems - I just write them in one sitting. and my short stories don't get finished unless I can finish them quickly, whilst I'm still full of enthusiasm about them.

I did complete the counselling course. I did, several years ago, complete a correspondence course in proofreading & copy-editing course - somehow I was determined to do it and I did it.

but do I really have to have these sorts of achievements to be able to say my life has some meaning? there are lots of other achievements, ones which you can't so easily put on your CV but which mean something to me, and which I believe mean something to God. he doesn't look at things in the same way as a potential employer who reads through your CV, nor in the same way that a typical Jewish mama would - God isn't looking to see how many academic qualifications you've got, how many prestigious jobs you've held, how many novels you've had published.

here's one of the things he looks at: how much love have you shown to other people?

I think it's since 1999 that I've had the clear conviction that God has called me to be a person who has time for people, who listens to people for real, with empathy and compassion. you can't do that if you're being single-minded about getting a novel written at all costs. (at least I can't.)

actually, there is a side of me that does get very task-focused, and it's when I'm being like that that I become incapable of showing much love to people. I become quite unpleasant, not very nice to be around at all. because all I'm seeing is the perceived need to get the job done, and I'm forgetting about the really important command to love others as I love myself. so maybe I do get the job done, and in human terms that can count as an achievement - but at what cost? if I hurt other people's feelings along the way, is it worth it?

there is a story Jesus told about someone who had been robbed and was lying helpless on the side of the road, and a priest walked past without stopping to help. was this priest so focused on getting to the Temple to perform his duties - getting the job done - that he wouldn't stop to show love and care for a fellow human being?

Lord, help me to look at life more and more through your value system and less and less through the world's. Help me to value your kinds of achievements more than those the world values, to place loving my neighbour higher than the sorts of things that would look good on my CV, the sorts of things that would do my Jewish mama proud. When the time comes for me to leave this temporary existence, let my obituary be one that would do you proud.

"I guess I shall never change"

was having a chat last night with a friend from the writing group who, it turns out, is like me in the tendency to flit from one thing to another and leave a lot of stuff unfinished. it all started from the jumper I'd found when sorting through stuff that had been lying in the cupboard under the stairs for years, a jumper I had actually got as far as very nearly finishing, I'd actually knitted the whole thing and started putting it together but I think this was when I was leaving the place where I'd been living and going elsewhere, and then a couple of months later I moved elsewhere again, and about a month later went back home to Israel, leaving a whole load of stuff in the loft of nice friends (including said unfinished jumper) and...

I digress. which kind of demonstrates this tendency, doesn't it? :)

the thing is, the unfinished jumper got us talking about how we are neither of us likely to ever finish a novel because we just don't have that single-mindedness, the perseverance, the ability to pick one project and focus on it for a length of time whilst forsaking all others. and caro ended up sighing and saying "I guess I shall never change" and I think we all do this, don't we, this sighing over the way we are and wishing we were different, sometimes beating ourselves over the head about it, as though we had a choice.

of course we do have choices in many areas, but we don't have a choice about what our personality is like, what our innate tendencies are, our strengths and weaknesses. I think the jury's out on how much of it is stuff we're born with and how much is to do with the way we were brought up (my instinct is very much in the "born with" direction) but whichever it is, it isn't anything we had a choice about - it's what we've been given, it's how we are.

not that we're necessarily static. some tendencies can go through subtle changes over time, and of course God can and does sometimes do stuff that we see as miraculous because it's outside of the normal way things work (though when I think about some of the plain ordinary stuff that goes on in God's creation, it seems pretty miraculous too, like when I watched a film of a baby being formed in the womb over time, or when I think about babies growing up and becoming grown people... but I'm digressing again)

so what was I trying to say? part of my journey over the past few years has been about learning to accept myself as I am. not to beat myself over the head, not to sigh about it too much. ok, so I don't have that single-mindedness that some people do, and those are the people more likely to churn out novels, whereas I have got as far as writing 14,000 words of a novel and then found something else to play with. but what if everyone was single-minded? to be quite honest, I don't think I'd find it all that nice to be married to someone like that - and I don't think my husband would either, so it's probably a blessing for our marriage that I'm not like that! there are pros and cons to all these things, and the world is so much richer for the variety of personality types that inhabit it.

the Bible talks in terms of different parts of one body: 'the eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you"' - all different parts are necessary for the body to be whole and to function.

so if I'm a lower intestine there's no point in me sighing and thinking I wish I was a nose. there already are people assigned to the role of nose. I've got to do the job of being a lower intestine. (or whatever it is that I happen to be)

this is not to say that there's no room for change at all - of course there is, and part of my call as a Christian is to cooperate with God in his work of changing me more and more into the likeness of Jesus. (which, when looking at the starting point, is such a huge change that it seems unbelievable.) but I think the key is that it's about cooperating with what God is doing, not about my own ideas of how I'd like to be, nor about the pressure from other people or from society in general as to how I should be.

people can come at you with all sorts of pressure, they might have all sorts of ideas like "it's not good for you to spend too much time on your own" (which means they don't understand introverts) or "it's so much better to get up early in the morning" (which means they don't accept night-owls) or "clutter is unhealthy" (which means they don't understand my need, as a P, for things to not be too tidy), etc - so often people generalise from their own experience and assume that what works for them is going to work for everyone.

and we so easily internalise these messages, and accept that we should be different to how we are. but as long as God doesn't say there's something wrong with how I am, then all those people can go take a hike. and God doesn't say there's anything wrong with me being an INFP, or with someone else being an ESTJ, or whatever.

this reminds me of something I heard once, don't remember where now, about a dictionary of Pidgin English that translated the term "justification" into something like: God say he okay.

basically, God says I'm ok. he loves me as I am. yes, he's working on changing me into more like his son, more like how I was originally meant to be - human beings were originally made in God's image, and through Jesus he is restoring that image. but it's God who can see it all clearly and who knows exactly which bits need to be worked at, and he knows in what order things need to be done. and if anyone has the right to sigh over any aspect of my personality or behaviour, it's him.

I'm reminded of something from decades ago, probably when I was about 16 or so, a few friends chatting together and someone saying something to my friend Andra about how chubby she was, but she remained unfazed. how come? she had a new boyfriend, and was full of confidence because, she said, he liked her as she was.

of course having a fellow human being who likes you as you are is great for your self-esteem, but knowing that God loves me and likes me as I am - well, that takes it to a whole different league!