more thoughts from that earlier conversation about how I think I haven't got the single-mindedness necessary for writing a novel.
why is it that I tend to think as though writing a novel would be such an important achievement? why do I belittle the writing that I do, saying it's "just poems and short stories", as though these don't count for anything?
where do I get the idea that some achievements are more important than others - or is it just that deep down I still want human recognition, still want people to say: look at her, she did XYZ, wow!
I have lots of unfinished novels, plus an unfinished philosophy degree, two unfinished jumpers, at least one unfinished piece of cross-stitch embroidery, even a few unfinished blogs in draft form - though blogs I normally do finish, because I normally just write them in one sitting, not stopping till I press publish. it's the same with poems - I just write them in one sitting. and my short stories don't get finished unless I can finish them quickly, whilst I'm still full of enthusiasm about them.
I did complete the counselling course. I did, several years ago, complete a correspondence course in proofreading & copy-editing course - somehow I was determined to do it and I did it.
but do I really have to have these sorts of achievements to be able to say my life has some meaning? there are lots of other achievements, ones which you can't so easily put on your CV but which mean something to me, and which I believe mean something to God. he doesn't look at things in the same way as a potential employer who reads through your CV, nor in the same way that a typical Jewish mama would - God isn't looking to see how many academic qualifications you've got, how many prestigious jobs you've held, how many novels you've had published.
here's one of the things he looks at: how much love have you shown to other people?
I think it's since 1999 that I've had the clear conviction that God has called me to be a person who has time for people, who listens to people for real, with empathy and compassion. you can't do that if you're being single-minded about getting a novel written at all costs. (at least I can't.)
actually, there is a side of me that does get very task-focused, and it's when I'm being like that that I become incapable of showing much love to people. I become quite unpleasant, not very nice to be around at all. because all I'm seeing is the perceived need to get the job done, and I'm forgetting about the really important command to love others as I love myself. so maybe I do get the job done, and in human terms that can count as an achievement - but at what cost? if I hurt other people's feelings along the way, is it worth it?
there is a story Jesus told about someone who had been robbed and was lying helpless on the side of the road, and a priest walked past without stopping to help. was this priest so focused on getting to the Temple to perform his duties - getting the job done - that he wouldn't stop to show love and care for a fellow human being?
Lord, help me to look at life more and more through your value system and less and less through the world's. Help me to value your kinds of achievements more than those the world values, to place loving my neighbour higher than the sorts of things that would look good on my CV, the sorts of things that would do my Jewish mama proud. When the time comes for me to leave this temporary existence, let my obituary be one that would do you proud.
why is it that I tend to think as though writing a novel would be such an important achievement? why do I belittle the writing that I do, saying it's "just poems and short stories", as though these don't count for anything?
where do I get the idea that some achievements are more important than others - or is it just that deep down I still want human recognition, still want people to say: look at her, she did XYZ, wow!
I have lots of unfinished novels, plus an unfinished philosophy degree, two unfinished jumpers, at least one unfinished piece of cross-stitch embroidery, even a few unfinished blogs in draft form - though blogs I normally do finish, because I normally just write them in one sitting, not stopping till I press publish. it's the same with poems - I just write them in one sitting. and my short stories don't get finished unless I can finish them quickly, whilst I'm still full of enthusiasm about them.
I did complete the counselling course. I did, several years ago, complete a correspondence course in proofreading & copy-editing course - somehow I was determined to do it and I did it.
but do I really have to have these sorts of achievements to be able to say my life has some meaning? there are lots of other achievements, ones which you can't so easily put on your CV but which mean something to me, and which I believe mean something to God. he doesn't look at things in the same way as a potential employer who reads through your CV, nor in the same way that a typical Jewish mama would - God isn't looking to see how many academic qualifications you've got, how many prestigious jobs you've held, how many novels you've had published.
here's one of the things he looks at: how much love have you shown to other people?
I think it's since 1999 that I've had the clear conviction that God has called me to be a person who has time for people, who listens to people for real, with empathy and compassion. you can't do that if you're being single-minded about getting a novel written at all costs. (at least I can't.)
actually, there is a side of me that does get very task-focused, and it's when I'm being like that that I become incapable of showing much love to people. I become quite unpleasant, not very nice to be around at all. because all I'm seeing is the perceived need to get the job done, and I'm forgetting about the really important command to love others as I love myself. so maybe I do get the job done, and in human terms that can count as an achievement - but at what cost? if I hurt other people's feelings along the way, is it worth it?
there is a story Jesus told about someone who had been robbed and was lying helpless on the side of the road, and a priest walked past without stopping to help. was this priest so focused on getting to the Temple to perform his duties - getting the job done - that he wouldn't stop to show love and care for a fellow human being?
Lord, help me to look at life more and more through your value system and less and less through the world's. Help me to value your kinds of achievements more than those the world values, to place loving my neighbour higher than the sorts of things that would look good on my CV, the sorts of things that would do my Jewish mama proud. When the time comes for me to leave this temporary existence, let my obituary be one that would do you proud.
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